Parenting Humor
To Put a Smile on Your Face
You know you need some parenting humor when it’s 8:00am and your son has already had 3 time-outs.
I try to do my best, using the knowledge and experience I have. In general, I have pretty great kids. We get compliments quite often on how well-behaved they are.
But then there are those days. You know what I mean.
I am not one of those parents whose children never act out in public, always use good manners, and think the sun and moon revolve around me at all times.
Nope. My kids sometimes run around the grocery store like banshees. They throw little preschooler tantrums. And they even (gasp) argue about bedtime.
All in all, I’d say we’re pretty normal.
On those days, I try to find some parenting humor in our situation, whatever it may be.
If you need some parenting humor, check out these quotes, jokes, stories, and videos. Then submit your own to make others smile!
Parenting Humor Quotes
These quotes are some of my favorite types of parenting humor:
The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable. ~Lane Olinghouse
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ~Red Buttons
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. ~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986
Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does. ~Joey Adams
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. ~P.J. O'Rourke
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst. ~George Bernard Shaw
The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. ~John J. Plomp
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. ~Erma Bombeck
I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school. ~Author Unknown
Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your kids. ~Sam Levenson
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. ~Author Unknown
If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away from children." ~Susan Savannah
Do you have any parenting humor quotes? Share them here.
Jokes with Parenting Humor
Parenting humor can sometimes be expressed best through jokes. These always make me laugh:
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
A 6-year old boy and his friends are looking at the family
picture album. When he gets to his parents' wedding picture he says
"And this is the day that mom came working for us".
Definitions For Parents:
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to
make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
Laws of Household Physics:
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as
every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse
proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed
window.
The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how
badly it is needed.
The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car
garage.
Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV
remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor
temperature.
The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half
sibling showers.
What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly
used Rice Krispies.
Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to
play with the same toy.
The Evolution of a Mother:
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:
Your Clothes :
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Baby's clothes:
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick
up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Parenting Humor Videos
These videos are great examples of creative parenting humor!
Stories with Parenting Humor
This is my all-time favorite parenting humor story:
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'
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Now it’s your turn to share your parenting humor…What's the Best Parenting Joke You've Heard?
Do you have a great parenting joke? Or maybe you have one of those hilarious parenting stories? Share it here and make someone laugh!
Just a reminder: This is a family site, so please keep jokes clean, PG-rated! Thanks!
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